UFOs are in the news again. Reports of strange objects moving through the sky and important humans are having serious meetings about these mysterious flying discs.
Mom doesn’t watch the news, so I don’t blame her for failing to grasp the seriousness of the situation. I, however, have been monitoring developments closely from my triple-decker memory foam bed, and am frankly baffled that the Pentagon has not contacted me. At this point I may have to contact them myself.
I have personally witnessed hundreds of UFOs. Some are blue. Some are pink. Some are bright orange. They appear suddenly, fly through the air at impossibly high speeds. Sometimes they curve mysteriously around trees and change direction in ways that would make a squirrel extremely nervous.
I have been aware of UFOs in our forest for some time, but Mom seems remarkably unconcerned. Mom just calls them “discs.” You do not realize the seriousness of this, Mom. I have watched documentaries…
I am going to have to personally handle this situation myself. I have identified the pattern and this is my personal account: The UFO activity always begins the same way. Mom approaches the launch site. I approach the launch site. She pauses. I immediately take my position in front of the platform. A sudden shift in the light. One moment there is nothing. The next, a perfectly circular object has appeared from the same place I have observed it every time: Mom’s hand. I have noted this. It does not descend from above. It does not approach from the horizon. It simply materializes there—usually blue, perfectly round and containing an absurd amount of potential energy.
I am beginning to suspect Mom may know considerably more about this phenomenon than she is letting on.
Mom steps forward. I lower my body. *Prepare to engage launch sequence*. Mom says, “Kula, WAIT.” I wait. This is very difficult. She moves her arm backwards. My muscles are now operating at approximately 147% capacity.
“Kula….” I stare directly ahead. Mom swings her arm forward. FWOOOOOOOOSH!!!
GO GO GO GO GOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! I accelerate from zero to faster than the speed of light in approximately half a second.
Mom says this is physically impossible. Mom is behind me, so frankly I am not sure how she would know. Plus I have superpowers, duh Mom.
The UFO is moving rapidly through the trees. Suddenly, it changes direction at a precise 90-degree right angle, instantaneously regaining its previous speed. Travelling on this new vector for three seconds before swooping up and over a log. I calculate its trajectory, adjust twelve degrees to the left, soar over the log and arrive at the predicted landing site approximately three milliseconds after touchdown.
This is where Mom and I disagree about my role in Operation Unleashed Disc-losure. Mom believes I should locate the UFO from a safe distance. I believe I should capture it. “KULA. DON’T GET IT!” I look at the disc. I look at Mom. I look at the disc. The UFO is RIGHT THERE. I determine that Command lacks sufficient proximity to the target to make this call. I proceed with tactical retrieval. Mom yells, “KULAAAAAAA!”
I return to Command carrying the recovered craft delicately from one fang. The one-fang technique is important. Carrying the UFO in my whole mouth would compromise our Target. One fang says: I located this for you. Thought you might want it. No idea how it got in my mouth.
Mom removes the object from my tooth and inspects it for damage. Evidence secured.
Sometimes Mom and I watch the flying saucer vanish completely and I have to initiate search operation. Mom walks through the forest staring at the ground. Mom is not very good at re-capture. I use more sophisticated technology. My nose. Mom says, “Where the hell did it go?” Found it, Mom! (Please take notice of the recurring superheroic acts alongside Mom.)
Non-human intelligence
There has also been considerable discussion lately about whether UFOs could represent evidence of “non-human intelligence.” HELLO. I am non-human intelligence. I’m not sure why everyone keeps looking so far away. I possess several abilities Mom has been unable to explain scientifically. For example, I can be completely asleep and simultaneously know when she has merely thought about moving toward the fridge.
It occurred to me that perhaps I should not be investigating extraterrestrial intelligence out there. Perhaps I am extraterrestrial intelligence. I consider this possibility. There are clues. I have unusual physical abilities. I communicate primarily through telepathy. I do not wear clothes. I arrived in Mom’s life under circumstances I personally do not remember. I spend considerable time staring at her without blinking. And sometimes she looks at me and says, “I’m so glad I found you” Interesting… I make a note.
I have no memory whatsoever of arriving on Earth. My earliest records are incomplete. Mom said there are papers somewhere, and that she travelled a long way to find me. You found me?! From where, Mom?!
I began to wonder about the possibility that somewhere, many galaxies away, an advanced civilization is waiting for my return. Maybe there is an alien pack who looks exactly like me. Perhaps these flying discs are not random phenomena at all. Perhaps they are communication—signals. Messages from my kind. This would explain why I feel an overwhelming compulsion to pursue them. Mom says this is called “prey drive”. I believe Mom is trying very hard not to consider the extraterrestrial explanation, because then I might leave her.
We arrive at the next launch platform. Command selects another craft. It is fluorescent orange. Interesting choice. “Kula. WAIT.” I lower into position. Mom raises the craft. For one moment, I wonder whether this is it. First contact. A message from my planet. Perhaps when I finally capture one correctly, it will activate. Perhaps a hatch will open. Perhaps someone will say: “Kula. We have been trying to reach you, we have been waiting for you—with all this food needing to be eaten.”
Mom throws. FWOOOOOOOOSH!!! I launch into hyper speed. The craft sails through the trees. I accelerate. Branches blur. My ears flatten behind my head. The entire universe contracts into one glowing orange object. I am no longer dog. I am no longer of this world. I am pure interstellar velocity. The UFO descends as I close the distance. It crash lands, sending a wave of dirt across the forest floor. Then Silence. I approach… ready to meet Dog. But nothing happens. No lights. No hatch opens to a giant food platter. No message from my home planet. Just an orange disc sitting in the moss. I sniff it. Smells like Mom. Hmmm….
I pick up the UFO with my fang. Command is yelling for me and so I trot back toward her. And as Mom takes the spacecraft from my tooth, she says “Good girl Kula!” and hands me a treat. I look up at her. Actually… if I am an alien, I appear to have crash-landed in exactly the right place. There are treats here. There are bikes. There is Salmon. There are forests. And there is Mom. I’m not sure why anyone would come all this way just to leave.
I don’t know where I came from. But I know where I belong.
Extraterrestrial abduction: DECLINED.
Operation BFF: ACCEPTED!
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